2016

After a lot of thought I am going to write a blog about 2016. It was a trying year with many ups and downs. The ups were truly amazing and the downs were just horrible. So here are my highlights of the year.

First of all, my beloved football team won promotion back to the premier league (where we belong….not that I’m biased or anything) which brought a huge boost to the area, I’ll get onto why we needed the boost later. If you know me you will know I am a massive football fan, a season ticket holder and I literally go to any match I can. I am pretty sure I cried with happiness that day and I have not been that nervous in so long. What amazed me was seeing the whole community come together. People who don’t care about football were talking about it, making plans to watch the match together, making new friends- I won’t have it when people try to make out that football just brings on trouble.

Ok, now for the first pit, I was diagnosed with general anxiety  disorder in 2016. This truly sucked. Panic attacks, not sleeping and feeling crap. The less said about it the better. Thankfully now I am getting help and beginning to feel better.

I had an awesome holiday to Italy! My family had planned this holiday for about a year and a half and I was super excited. I love Italy, I love travelling and two weeks in the sun sounded amazing. It was my nephew’s first time abroad and first birthday while we were out there and it was lovely to spend time with the whole family and relax. Take me back!!!

This down may sound silly but I lost a lot of friends in 2016. I realised that they weren’t good for me and only interested in doing what they wanted and I had to bend over backwards all the time but when I needed help I was alone. I have learnt from this and I am really sad that these friendships that I treasured are either over or changed but sometimes enough is enough and you have to put yourself first.

So there is a quick look a 2016. I hope that 2017 treats you all well and you have a happy and healthy year.

 

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Home is where the heart is

I just wanted to write a quick post about being proud of where you’re from. If anyone knows me they will know I am super proud of my hometown and where its from; its not perfect, by a long shot, but I love it. When I go away I miss it. I miss the friendliness of people, going to the bus stop or into town and talking to anyone. Every time I go to London it seems like no one wants to talk or has time for other people. I find it weird but its probably because I’m not used to it.

I work in retail so obviously I talk a lot and I’m generally sociable and approachable (well I like to think so anyway) but I find it so weird when people don’t carry a conversation on or are just plain rude to me. I repeatedly get told where I come from isn’t very good. This always bothers me because most of the time the person I am talking to has never even visited my hometown. Their opinion is based solely on what they’ve heard on the news or what people have told them.

I hope to prove to people that its not that bad where I live. Sure, there is bad places but no place is perfect and I love my hometown so much.

It’s the small things…

Hi everyone,

I feel like I have so much to say. I’m so excited to write this, you may all find it totally boring but for me its a big deal. For the first time in a long time I’ve controlled my anxiety all day and had a good day. Yes there were some moments when I felt panicky and overwhelmed but I managed to control them. I even managed to go for a short walk to the beach with my mum and nephew. I’m so proud of myself! It feels like everything is moving in the right direction and I can handle this.

You see, for some people, the small things like, going for a walk, getting your nails done (another thing which I managed to do today!!!) are nothing, they don’t take pleasure in them. For me, being able to do them without constantly feeling crap is amazing and it makes me really appreciate the times I have which are good.

Sorry if this is boring but I’m so proud and wanted to tell people!!

Why I’ve been MIA

Hey guys!!

So I wish I had some super cool story about how I was having an amazing time travelling the world and doing exciting things but I don’t. I wish that was the reason I was MIA. The reason is I’ve been struggling with what I think is anxiety (going to the doctors for help this week) and/depression.

Now, I’ve been struggling with this since I was 18 (around 6 years) and over the past year it has got significantly worse, my panic attacks have increased and my daily life is being affected so much more. I decided that ultimately enough was enough and I need to get help. I know waiting 6 years is a long time but I had this false hope that maybe it would go away by itself.

If you want me to keep you updated let me know, if not then cool but I find writing like this a good way to get my thoughts out even if no one is reading it.

See you next time

Beth

Infinite Effect London 9/10/2015

I wasn’t going to write a fan account but after everything I’ve seen and read about I think I probably should share my experience.

Firstly, my experience was a really good one. I was lucky by the sounds of it! I was seated level one. My friend and I arrived at the venue at around 10.30am and asked around to find out which queue we should join. Once we found the right one we started talking to the girl behind us and we quickly made friends.

This is where the numbering system comes in. A while later we all got a number wrote on our wrists so if people wanted to get food or have a bathroom break then they could and join the queue at their place.

Our queue got moved to near stage door which we thought was cool and we were joking saying imagine if we saw them go in (turns out we would a few hours later). Anyway, to kill time we were talking to the girls infront of us who were lovely and we bought some fangifts. They were fans and posters. Cute. All of a sudden we heard shouting and rushing to the barrier and we saw Infinite walking into the venue. A few minutes later Hoya and Dongwoo were playing peek a boo and looking out of the dressing room window.

Finally the time arrived to go in and we got our seats (front row, hell yeah!) and MVs were playing to hype the crowd up. When Infinite came on, I’m not going to lie there was a lot of pushing and people were being lifted over the barrier. I thoroughly enjoyed the concert despite getting worried for people who were standing. It looked like ocean waves at one point and despite being told not to push people continued.

Normally Infinite throw out toys and paper aeroplanes as gifts but they cut that out and cut the concert short. I think the show was cut by about half an hour.

I just hope everyone is ok and infinite will come back to London now because it was a shitty night for some people and must have been awful for them to watch.

Rant over

Never believe you’re not good enough

Hi guys!

Sorry its been a while! I’ve had a few personal issues to deal with but I’m back now! Today I want to talk about opportunities, self-confidence and not being good enough.

Let’s start it off with a story, when I was 6 I was very shy but was offered the main role in a school play because my teacher thought I had the talent. Being a very shy girl, performing to a lot of people absolutely terrified me, I couldn’t even stand up in assembly and collect a certificate. I used to beg my mum not to take my certificates into school because I knew what would happen. So, I turned down this opportunity and my best friend at the time was offered the role. I didn’t mind at the time but even now I think what if I took the role? Would I be confident? I really regret not taking this chance.

I think now I should take every chance I get. I don’t always do because I’m scared of failing but someone once said to me ‘so what if you failed? You had an amazing experience and awesome time trying’. Those words stuck with me and I thought, you’re right. I shouldn’t just hide in the shadows anymore just ambling by in life. I need to work harder and take every opportunity handed to me with open arms and never look back.

My next point is about feeling like you’re not good enough. My mum is amazing and she always let me believe I could do anything when I was growing up and never doubted me at all. Whatever I wanted to do, or my current passion was at the time she did her best to encourage me, support me and provide lessons/equipment for me. Its only now when I’m older that I realise we weren’t well off growing up and I happened to pick expensive hobbies like horse riding and dancing which can be very expensive. I was never denied these, my parents went without so I could pursue these and I can’t thank them enough. Anyway, I’ve digressed, as I got older my ‘inner critic’ got more vocal and took over to the point where I genuinely believed I was a waste of space and not good enough. Nobody should feel like this. I believe now that everyone has a talent and sometimes it takes longer to find than others but its still there. Yes, it still terrifies me that I don’t 100% know what I want to do as a career and yes I do get grief about it from my father but I’ve learnt to deal with it. When I find my calling I like to think I will know.

So whenever you feel down, not good enough and a waste of space, always remember you have talent, you’re awesome the way you are so don’t change (especially if someone is asking you to but that’s a whole other topic!!) and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Lots of love

Beth